Indoor Waterfalls

I've always wanted a cool water feature in my house, like maybe an indoor waterfall or fountain. Sounds awesome in theory, however not in reality. A few weeks ago I woke up on a typical Tuesday to start my day with a shower. I rolled out of bed and turned the shower on. It sounded funny. Like less water pressure. I thought maybe it was just me....so I waited a minute. It seemed to get quieter and quieter....and quieter, so I woke up K (yes, the lucky bast*** gets to sleep 1 more hour than I do in the morning). He went downstairs to check the water main. Backstory: One day earlier, the sprinkler guy came to replace part of our irrigation system (which must have been made of gold b/c it cost 250$) so K figured the guy didn't turn the main back on or whatever. What happened next was straight out of a horror movie. He goes downstairs and yells to me (with audible terror in his voice) "Shut the water offffff!" I say "I did. I did!" I then hear "Get dowwwwn here!!!!" So I run downstairs and hear what can only be descibed as an indoor waterfall. I don't see water, but I can hear it....loudly...rushing all though downstairs. As K is running to turn our water main off, I look in the garage and see where the mass of water is pooling. But where is it coming from? It has filled the garage, gone outside, and down the road beyond where your eye can even see.

I go in the house with K and look at the rooms that are adjacent to the garage. They are all hardwood floors and for some reason they are now burning hot on my feet. Must be the hot water heater. Damn it! I really could have done without that today. So we break down and call homeowners insurance at 6:30am. After explaining what has happened, they immediatly tell us to call "Disaster Relief". What? disaster relief? This is only a little flood we say. No no no. We MUST call. So we do. Half an hour later men show up and start assessing damage. They go under the house and see that there is tons of standing water and all the insulation has been completely soaked. By now our hardwood floors are doing this weird cupping thing and all of the boards are starting to warp. I start to panic a little, but K is great and tells me we will be OK. With a tiny battery operated tool, one worker begins to show me where the floors are wet...underneath. Basically where this thing makes noise is all the places where the floors will have to be replaced. So this thing starts making craxzy beepy noises in the dining room (as expected) also in the foyer (hmmmm) and in the living room (my heart rate is elevating) and up the dining room walls (oh God) and in the closets (I'm getting weak) and in the hallway and finally in the kitchen. At this point I need help standing and can only hear the sound of dollar signs and cash registers going off in my head. Backstory: Our homeowners insurance company is the same insurance company that we have our auto insurance, which we have had 3 major accidents in the past 5 months....can you say non-renewal??? As K heads off to work for an important meet ing that he just can't miss, I am left with strangers that are trying to help "dry" our home. Little did I know this involved cutting out walls, ripping up floors and tearing up the kitchen. Please pass the Xanax!